My dear friend,
I am writing this in a frustration
that came from the failure to understand the emotions inside me or from the
failure of understanding the conflicts of emotions. I am really thinking how I am
surviving this particular moment. The moment at which you can feel that all the
fear and frustrations of this world confines to you and you feel like bearing
all the burden of this world. Really I don’t know. But thank god somehow I am
surviving.
Do you know? The world is
getting complicated each and every day, so the people too. The innocent world
which you and I enjoyed is changed, least for me. Day by day it is becoming
hard by its lessons. Feeling like each day it needs a new me. And the kid inside
me is so reluctant to change. She still believes in illusions. There comes the sufferings and lessons which I
want to call ‘realizations’.
They are turning me mad
sometimes (least). I realized that to find a certain amount of happiness in our
life we have to be a bit selfish. As I experienced depression lives in a body
that try to please others. When we try to live for others somewhere we are forgetting
to love our life. This is the nature of this world. More than giving priority
to each other we are making each other options. But the thought about being
selfish always giving me happy and sad feeling. Happy because least now I able
to understand this and sad because one part of me still not accepting this. See
the conflict!!!
And I also realized that we
are alone in this crowded world. Walking alone is the toughest walk but it will
make us stronger. Don’t fascinate by the people who come to our life for a
visit. Everyone is in their own journey and they will make their own path and
someday will tell you goodbye. Be prepared to say goodbye. Try to understand
what is good for you and go for that. Leave everything back and just go and achieve
our life. Don’t wait for anyone!!
You know the most important
thing you can give to someone is your time. Don’t say you are busy to a person
who needs you mostly at that particular moment. If you have done this in your
life for someone trust me he or she will remember you in their life till the
last moment. Here comes the next realization that expectation is something
which is very heavy to carry. Don’t expect anything back from anyone. If you
want to do something for someone just do it but it is a crime if you expect
something where you will be punished by your own emotions. Now comes the question
how to get rid of this. And the simplest answer is don’t do everything for
others every time (Being selfish). See how things are connected. But we can’t
stay selfish every time. Just identify the people who are worthy for you and
who respects and loves you the way you are and be with them. But what we will
do if those people hurts you, sincerely I don’t have any answer. That is what I
am also trying to figure out. But whatever is the pain you have it should be
felt. As said in ‘fault in our stars’, “pain demands to be felt”. And you know
at the end what I am feeling like?
‘Broken’
Yes, I am broken. But still I am
managing to live like nothing has happened and nothing has changed me. But trust
me I changed a lot. The agony that crash me has changed me a lot. Sometimes that
turning me into a monster (may you love to call) or sometimes an angel. But still
I am holding somehow I am surviving.
There I miss you. Your kindness,
your jokes, your smile and all that take you and me to us. There I miss our innocence.
Yes, we were innocent but now I can’t say that I am innocent. I lived and loved
with all the innocence I had but that also turned against. But I hope that
least with you I can be that old girl who loved illusions and lived in them. Desperately
I want to be again that. And there comes my painful realization that the worst
feeling in this world is ‘missing myself once I used to be’.
I hope till this point you didn’t
went through the same thing, if it is I want to tell you that don’t wait to
change after experiencing everything. Sometimes we need to change by seeing others too...
